When Lila was 7, I lovingly cleaned out her closet because it was a mess and she (or I) was overwhelmed. What I found was startling: Candy wrappers in every.single.corner. This was clearly the work of a crafty friend, not MY CHILD (hand on forehead with feigned outrage). 

The candy wrapper scene made me wonder: What else will she hide? Are my rules ineffective? 

As soon as Marlee could talk we started to implant “life” rules: Be kind. Tell the truth. Try your hardest. HAVE FUN! And also practical rules such as: Ask a mom if you need help, don’t get into a car with someone who you don’t know, call us if you need a pick up for any reason, pick up your stuff (hahaha…I know), strap in before the car starts moving, and stay together. There was an underlying guideline, “If you break the rules, don’t get caught!” which was always said with a wink (But I also kinda meant it). 

We had these on repeat, periodically asking the girls, “what are the rules?!” which back then resulted in them proudly reciting the rules but now elicits an eye roll followed by an unenthusiastic listing of some of the rules. “Stay together” always makes the list. “Be kind” often makes the list. “Pick up your stuff” is conveniently forgotten. 

Back then I thought I was teaching them ways to have fun while also being safe. Or, at the very least, giving myself peace of mind that they knew something useful. Now I realize: I was giving them actual tools to deal with real situations that made me deeply uncomfortable to think about but needed to be talked about. Which led to a lot of squirmy, awkward, conversations that were best had when they were trapped in the car with me (my time window was so much shorter than I expected. Now that they’re driving, these opportunities are less frequent). 

Now that they’re teenagers, those rules (and guidelines) still apply but they have a different meaning.

“Stay together” was originally intended for littles to avoid getting lost. Now it’s intended for teenagers (and beyond) to avoid someone wandering off drunk, falling face first into a puddle, and drowning. (You think this is far-fetched but a mom-turned-public-speaker visits high schools to share how this can (did) happen (to her daughter) and how to avoid it. This horrific story is exactly the moment when “stay together” became a lifelong rule) (Also, I still don’t know how that mom keeps her composure when she shares this story).

“Strap in before the car starts moving” upgraded to, “Strap in before you start your car and make sure everyone else in your car does the same. Do not have more people in your car than working seatbelts. Do not move the car until everyone clicks in.” My kids love when rules expand. 

“Pick up your stuff” is still “pick up your stuff” because some lessons are never learned. Or always avoided. Oh my god, why do my kids still litter in our house and cars?

“Don’t get into a car with someone who you don’t know” isn’t very practical anymore because it’s likely that a friend-of-a-friend is the one driving and “Mom! You totally know so-and-so who knows so-and-so” and anyway…Those girls are getting into the car no matter what I say (your kids are doing the same) so I need to upgrade this rule. Now it’s: “Don’t get into a car with someone who you don’t know and seems sketchy [this includes a list of ways to identify if someone is sketchy. ] But that’s not all! Also, “If you’re getting into the car of a friend-of-a-friend make sure they aren’t drunk and (you knew this was coming) strap in! and (no one does this) make sure their tires aren’t flattish” (because my dad, their grandpa will, in fact, demand a safety check of tires). 

“Call us if you need a pick up for any reason” is now…That, still that. “No questions asked (at least not immediately). You won’t be in trouble. Even if you weren’t where you were supposed to be. Or lied. Or are drunk or high. Anytime of day or night. Just call me.” Because I’d rather have them home, safe, and alive versus making questionable choices while in compromising situations when they’re judgment is also compromised.

The rules haven’t changed but they—like my kids—have grown and evolved. I realized that the older they get, the more I need to adjust the rules to be useful and realistic.

Which is exactly how I found myself calling to Lila as she rushed out the door to a friend’s house (ahem, party), “Have fun! And DON’T GET ARRESTED!” (which is the upgraded guideline of “don’t get caught!”) .

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