Sweet Dreams

I love sleep. I am a 10-hour-a-night, wake-up-at-10am, sleep-anywhere-anytime type of sleeper.

Given my absolute love of sleep, I was surprised to find myself looking forward to my baby’s 3am wake ups. 3am? That was sacred sleep time, not to be disturbed by anyone for any reason at any time. But her sweet cry would lure me out of bed . As I stumbled into her room she would reach for me and I’d fall in love with her all over again (who even knew that was possible?!?!).

I would pick her up and relish in that sweet baby smell. We’d rock together as she settled in for a snack. I found myself snuggling with her long after that snack was complete. Her head fit like a puzzle piece in the crook of my neck. Her body cradled in my arms perfectly. Her little finger would wrap around mine so naturally. The night silence would envelop us as we cuddled. There was nothing to distract us; nothing to take away from that moment of completely togetherness. We were fully present.

I savored those nights and knew they would be short lived.  The 3am wake up is now a 4am wake up.  I hear her door creek followed by little footsteps running down the hall. She stands by the bedside and gives me a nudge to let me know she is there before crawling into my bed.  We cuddle until the sun rises as  I willingly give up my beloved sleep for a sweet girl who is giving me a lifelong memory.

I treasure those uninterrupted moments at 3 (now 4)am that interrupt my sacred sleep.

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Good grief

Happiness. Love. Peace.

Are these the words you use to describe your emotions when someone is no longer part of your life??

or would you use words like sorrow, anger, regret, and depression?

or maybe, like me, you’d use all of these words and more. Maybe, like me, you were surprised to experience such a  range of wildly different emotions when someone you cared about was gone. Maybe, like me, you were shocked that grief lasts at least a year… that holding a memory of someone in your heart can be joyful…that sadness hits you the hardest at the times you expect it the least.

That wild rollercoaster of emotions? It lasts a year.

A Rabbi shared this wisdom with my family. Grief can last a long time, but it always lasts a year. When you flip the calendar and see the date of a birthday, anniversary, holiday, or other memorable day — the absence of a loved one hits you all over again. Someone you shared special moments with is no longer by your side. You realize again and again that person is no longer physically with you. You relive the goodbye, the moment you knew it was complete. The feelings flood back in waves. All at once.

The most surprising part of it is….

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