Memorandum #949

To: Smuckers

From: Management

Effective date: Immediately

It has been brought to executive management’s attention that you are falling short in the behavior department. This is despite your adorable demeanor and best effort, of course. Most recently you snuck into the cat-only area and chowed down the (used!) kitty litter then LICKED ONE OF YOUR MANAGERS. Gross! (We try not to toss around labels or judgy behavior but this was particular disgusting, Smuckers!).

Because of this, and other transgressions which are detailed below, we decided it’s time to put you on a performance improvement plan. While this is specific to you, remember that ALL memorandums apply to ALL pets, past and present. See memorandum #7 as an example.

You will be measured on achieving your goals in accordance with the defined plan, by the deadlines imposed, or else. Or else what? Nothing. Literally nothing will happen because you’re a dog and this is almost completely unenforceable (though we might resort to basic training again if necessary).

Itemized Transgressions

1. Conspiring to bring a mouse into the house, with co-conspirator, Bosco.

2. Woofing. Incessantly. At golfers. We do support your complaints against bad golfers, especially those who hit our house with golf balls. This includes your mom-like-manager.

3. Howling in the middle of the night. STOP.

4. Talking back. Wait, we think this is adorable. Management, please strike this from the performance improvement plan.

5. Busting into the cat area within minutes of being left alone. You’ve been caught SEVERAL times by a manager who was still in the house.

6. Not staying in your place when directed to do so.

7. Walking across and/or sleeping on the kitchen table. Seriously? WTF? We can see your paw prints!

Performance Improvement Plan

You will follow all commands, immediately and completely. We must see a 25% improvement each week, on each of the following items, for 4 weeks until you reach 90% compliance (We realize this doesn’t add up but again, you’re a dog, so we are granting some room for error).

You will stay in dog approved areas. As there is no reason for you to be in the cat area, this is effective immediately.

You may continue to remove unwanted guests (in the form of mice, lizards, and bugs) from the property (4 week improvement plan), but you MAY NOT BRING THEM INTO THE HOUSE (effective immediately).

Reduce the woofing and howling unless you are alerting us to danger. This includes letting us know of any, and all, attempts by Bosco to escape the premises.

When anyone in executive management says, “Place!” You stop everything and run to your place. Sit and wait for the “Free dog” command before shifting any part of your body off the place.

We appreciate your attention to these matters and ongoing cooperation for improvement.

The Management Team

(Jill, Josh, Marlee, and Lila)