Tag Archives: jill shaul

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9 Characteristics of a Sought After Manager

No parent is perfect… I think the same logic applies to leaders but is especially applicable to managers. Front-line and middle managers often act as parents – setting boundaries and expectations, pushing employees past their limits, creating learning opportunities, listening to complaints, resolving conflicts, and creating a fun environment.

When I became a manager I asked myself “what kind of manager do I want to be?” which led me to reflect on manager’s I’ve worked for, and with.   When I take the best traits of every manager I’ve ever had — or admired — I get a composite of a pretty stellar role model. A person I’d like to model my own management style after.

What characteristics do managers-I’d-follow-around-the-world have in common?

I am Jill, employee 24925.

#1: Treat me as an individual.

Good managers treat me like Jill, not employee 24925. At a company with 65,000 people it’s easy to take a cookie cutter approach to managing a team – especially a large team. But like my 3 and 5 year daughters, I want rewards, recognition, and discipline (in the workplace we call this constructive criticism) to be specific to me.

Bueller, Bueller?

#2: Teach me something.

Whether intended or not, the best managers impart wisdom that can be applied to future jobs. Phylis taught me to always present solutions alongside my challenges (ahem, loud complaints). If I didn’t have a solution after my rant she would ask me to come back when I had some ideas on how to solve my problem.

“I have a dream…”

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A single thought can lead to opportunity or insanity

It’s happening again.

Before I know it – without a conscious thought – “it” transforms from an innocent concern into a life-changing catastrophe. It changes from a passing thought to an unstoppable force that morphs into a dramatic even. An event that only happens in my mind, with little (if any) basis in reality.  It becomes a never ending cycle of negativity that builds upon itself, mutates, and then buries me.

Before I know it I’ve turned a small ripple of discontent in my life into a tsunami that washes away everything else in my head and replaces it with fragments of debilitating thought debris. I latch onto this negative thought and start retelling my story with the worst possible outcome. I instantly find proof of my thoughts; examples that make me think this must be fact and the last chapter has already been written.

I work for a large company that restructures itself whenever it’s necessary to catch a shift in the market, be more agile and productive, or gain competitive advantage. It feels like we reorganize every few months but in reality it’s every few years.

Early on in my career an upcoming reorganization would trigger this thought pattern: this is happening again? I am probably getting yet another new manager. I have to start all over again and prove myself. My job will probably change. I bet it won’t be as challenging, rewarding, and fun as my current role.  How am I supposed to grow my career when my role, responsibilities, chain of command, and everything else changes every 6-12 months? And oh.my.goodness…what if I get LAID OFF?

Then I have a choice. I can perpetuate the cycle or stop it in its tracks.

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What is THAT doing THERE?

My journey of acceptance that I am a slob.

I grew up in a do-not-touch house. It had a museum feel to it. It was the kind of house that was always immaculate – even minutes after a huge party ended. Josh thought an impulsive need to keep the house spotless must be a genetic trait and was surprised to find out that I am a slob.

Let me repeat that: I am a slob. Not the dirty kind whose home you are afraid might have things living in it besides the immediate family. I’m the breed that can’t be bothered with keeping every little thing in its place. In fact, few things in my house actually have a designated space which admittedly makes it hard to find things. For example I recently wanted to tape something to the wall and could not find my scotch tape. Would you believe this is where it was:

It was here for at least 4 days before I found it.

It was here for at least 4 days before I found it.

I used to have clean house envy. I’d walk into another person’s home and quickly note how much neater, cleaner, shinier, and better organized it was. I’d wistfully wonder if I’d ever become an adult and do things like have fresh flowers in every room like Becky,  learn how to fold sheets so they stack neatly in the linen closet like Erica, and keep all my kids toys in organized, labeled bins like Rachel. I’d imagine the time when overnight visitors would be welcomed with petite soaps in the bathroom and chocolate on each pillow like Kiersten does.

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Sweet Dreams

I love sleep. I am a 10-hour-a-night, wake-up-at-10am, sleep-anywhere-anytime type of sleeper.

Given my absolute love of sleep, I was surprised to find myself looking forward to my baby’s 3am wake ups. 3am? That was sacred sleep time, not to be disturbed by anyone for any reason at any time. But her sweet cry would lure me out of bed . As I stumbled into her room she would reach for me and I’d fall in love with her all over again (who even knew that was possible?!?!).

I would pick her up and relish in that sweet baby smell. We’d rock together as she settled in for a snack. I found myself snuggling with her long after that snack was complete. Her head fit like a puzzle piece in the crook of my neck. Her body cradled in my arms perfectly. Her little finger would wrap around mine so naturally. The night silence would envelop us as we cuddled. There was nothing to distract us; nothing to take away from that moment of completely togetherness. We were fully present.

I savored those nights and knew they would be short lived.  The 3am wake up is now a 4am wake up.  I hear her door creek followed by little footsteps running down the hall. She stands by the bedside and gives me a nudge to let me know she is there before crawling into my bed.  We cuddle until the sun rises as  I willingly give up my beloved sleep for a sweet girl who is giving me a lifelong memory.

I treasure those uninterrupted moments at 3 (now 4)am that interrupt my sacred sleep.

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Good grief

Happiness. Love. Peace.

Are these the words you use to describe your emotions when someone is no longer part of your life??

or would you use words like sorrow, anger, regret, and depression?

or maybe, like me, you’d use all of these words and more. Maybe, like me, you were surprised to experience such a  range of wildly different emotions when someone you cared about was gone. Maybe, like me, you were shocked that grief lasts at least a year… that holding a memory of someone in your heart can be joyful…that sadness hits you the hardest at the times you expect it the least.

That wild rollercoaster of emotions? It lasts a year.

A Rabbi shared this wisdom with my family. Grief can last a long time, but it always lasts a year. When you flip the calendar and see the date of a birthday, anniversary, holiday, or other memorable day — the absence of a loved one hits you all over again. Someone you shared special moments with is no longer by your side. You realize again and again that person is no longer physically with you. You relive the goodbye, the moment you knew it was complete. The feelings flood back in waves. All at once.

The most surprising part of it is….

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Get what you want…Now!

I wanted kids. NOW.

Josh wanted kids. Eventually.

What’s a girl to do when she is ready for major life changes and her partner is not? When it was time (according to me) to get married I went with nagging and demanding with a soft ultimatum. And I got my way…eventually. I remember one year I was convinced Josh was going to pop the question for my birthday. Instead he gave me a sword. My friend Jen thought that was ballsy – giving a girl a weapon when she expects a diamond. I digress…

Josh and I were together for 7 years before he proposed. There was no way I was waiting another 7 (or more!) to have a baby. So I pondered everything I know about getting my way. My conclusion was something I learned from my marketing career: to get what you want, you need to know your audience and position in terms that are beneficial for them. We’re talking win-win, people. And we’re talking about convincing a man who was very content with our life  to accept a drastic change in our lifestyle that included: sleepless night, less sex, a cranky wife, whiny kids, and less overall “adult time”.

Tough sell.

Even tougher when trying to convince a man that is an engineer by education, a sales guy at heart, and an executive by day.

I did what any good marketer would do. I devised a 3-part plan that would be executed over the course of 6 months.  I promised that I would knock off the baby talk for all those months, during which time we could both ponder what we want, why we wanted it, and when we wanted it. I let Josh know that I was creating a powerpoint sales pitch that I would deliver at the end of the oh-so-hard-not-to-mention-babies– 6 months. Yes, you read that right. I created a powerpoint slide deck to sell my husband on the concept of having a baby. NOW. (have I mentioned I am really impatient?)

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…One is silver, one is gold

For Kim, who helped me discover and test this theory, and who gracefully and quickly moved through the friendship hierarchy…landing herself one of a few spots in my “BFF” category.

My mom taught me that friends are fiercely loyal, 100% supportive no matter the circumstance, and would go to the ends of the earth  for me. And while these are undeniable characteristics of close friendships, they are not the distinguishing attributes of *all* friendships.

I spent 22 years constantly evaluating all of my friends to make sure they measured up to my standards (most didn’t). In those 22 years I told off, reamed out, and cut off many friends whom I would later apologize to (or wish that I hadn’t been so abrasive, abrupt, and judgmental towards). I felt let down and miserable…

If only someone had said this to me,

“We don’t have to change friends if we understand that friends change” — Paul Coelho

One day I put it into perspective and developed the Friendship Hierarchy – which seems pretty “I’m a 14 year old middle school girl trying to be popular”  but might be one of my most brilliant philosophies to date (at least Kim thinks so). Instead of forcing  all of my acquaintances and friends to become “best friends” I slowed down and valued each relationship as it was. I stopped trying to accelerate everyone into the coveted BFF category. I released the insanely impossible demands I placed on every person in my life. And I felt an immense sense of relief.

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