The kitchen is the heartbeat of our household. Depending on who is cooking it’s where magic or disaster happens.

The Chaotic Kitchen: Managed by woman-who-never-learned-to-properly-cook (Me)

Step 1. Open the refrigerator at least 5 times hoping dinner will miraculously appear. This is the first sign of trouble: fully cooked meals are more likely to be found on the stove top or in the oven.

Step 2. Accept responsibility to cook dinner. Sigh…

Step 3. Find something simple to cook. Wish again that dinner will somehow appear without me dicing, slicing, or sautéing. Ask myself if I can afford a personal chef (the answer is no).

Step 4. Prep food. Find solutions for seemingly simple dilemmas like “can I substitute garlic and onion if the recipe calls for shallots?”. Seems risky. Opt to leave them out (and let’s not talk about the time I couldn’t remember the difference between scallions and chives.)

Step 5. Cook. If you can call it that.

Step 6. Yell at kids for being too close to knives and hot objects. Feel good it took this long to scold them.

Step 7. Smoke alarm goes off. What’s on fire? Dinner. Dinner is on fire. Must decide: save dinner or run around like a crazy person opening all windows and doors.

Step 8. Calm the screaming kids who don’t like any loud noises that haven’t emitted from their own mouths.

Step 9: Kids are finally calm. Seems like a good time to yell at them again for being too close to knives and hot objects. Seriously, why are they so attracted to dangerous things in the kitchen?

Step 10: Make a choice: salvage dinner or cook pasta. Convince myself that pasta is a healthy choice. It sure beats burned dinner, right?

Step 11: Vow to never cook again.

Step 12: Think “wow we spent a lot of money on a gourmet kitchen I can’t even cook in!”

The Calm Kitchen: Managed by man-who-understands-science-behind-cooking (Hubby)

Step 1: Look in refrigerator. Wonder what wife was talking about when she said “there is NOTHING to eat”

Step 2: Start dicing, slicing, mincing, sautéing, and browning 8 different things all at once. Show off.

Step 3. Involve kids in dinner prep. Calmly explain each step. Patiently let girls take turns adding ingredients to the pot. Perhaps the one he should teach is his wife.

Step 4. Plate dinner as if our kitchen is a gourmet restaurant.

Step 5: Enjoy food with family.

Step 6: Relax while wife cleans kitchen. Always makes wife feel like Marge Simpson, “Now it’s Marge’s time to shine!”

So that’s why the phone goes to voicemail in the evening.

If you’ve ever called my house between 6-7pm, I hope this explains why you get a frantic-out-of-breath request to “call back later!” or no response at all.

Anyone have a good recipe?

Tell me about your kitchen nightmare. Or better yet, share a simple recipe that involves little-to-no cooking, is kid-friendly, and doesn’t include sugar.

 

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