Recently some parents have seemed impressed with my mommy skills. In full disclosure, I’m not a mommy superstar.
But sometimes I have a really stellar mommy moment. The kind that makes other moms (and sometimes dads, but they are harder to impress) exclaim “wow”. Granted, these usually are inspired by sheer desperation or Universal intervention. Sometimes they are stolen from other parents. Either way, here are some of the techniques that help us avoid temper tantrums and other kid-related annoyances.
Yes girls
This is perhaps the most brilliant of the bunch. We took a trip to NYC. The first day was a NIGHTMARE. The girls threw a fit on every block. They said NO to everything. They were disagreeable. We were miserable. Marlee even dumped coffee all over Lila Pearl (it wasn’t malicious but it was frustrating.)
The next day I declared, “today we are going to be yes girls”. I described that everyone had to find ways to say YES all day long. To my astonishment IT WORKED. The girls not only said YES but made it a game.
Sidebar: this would not work on a daily basis. Save it for a trip or special occasion.
Why? Why? Why? Whhhyyyyyyyyyyyyyy?
There is a simple way we get our kids to stop asking, “why”.
We respond, “why not?”
They are either stumped or distracted by this question. Either way, they stop asking why and start asking more productive questions.
Apathetic. Until last week that was my attitude towards the PTA. With a demanding job and even more demanding kids I was positive I didn’t have time for the PTA. Not now. Possibly not ever. Though Jill 10-years ago imagined becoming a super-involved-soccer-mom, Jill today loves her job and needs down time.
My main source of school related information is my friend Rachel. My primary motivation to do anything is guilt (“Mommy, EVERYONE is going to such-and-such event”) followed by my intention to minimize the amount of time my children will spend in therapy (I accept they will likely need therapy; the challenge is to minimize how much time they require with a therapist).
If the PTA blink – or Rachel — doesn’t explicitly tell me what to do and when to do it, I ignore it.
So how did I go from a potential path of indifference to nominating myself for PTA president?
One day I told my therapist, “I JUST WANT TO BE ALONE.”
She replied, “I can’t believe I never noticed this before. You are an introvert.”
I am? Sure enough, she was right. I am an outgoing introvert, which I think makes me an introverted extrovert.
Most people describe me as an outgoing but I’m actually quite shy and often feel out of place. My therapist defined an introvert as someone who gets energy from within themselves, not from external factors such as a social environment. That is undeniably true.
Confession #1: Silence is my weapon
When Josh and I started dating I was very unsure…of everything. He embodied all the characteristics of a perfect boyfriend. I wanted to keep him interested. But he was a lot cooler than me (still is!) and I was certain that I must not fit in with his friends. I won him over, but making friends with his friends seemed impossible.
My response was to stay quiet. Silent, in fact, for a few years.
Eventually I got over myself and now I can’t shut up.
Confession # 2: The first meeting is the worst
That time between “Hi, I’m Jill” and the moment I find common ground with someone is alarming. My brain says, “Don’t be a bitch, don’t insult anyone, and for goodness sake don’t be BORING…wait, what was the person’s name again???”
The worst questions are: what do you do? what’s new?
WHAT’S NEW? Let’s see: are you interested in potty training? Temper tantrum control tactics? That I knit something I’m wearing? How my FIOS isn’t working properly? About my most recent attempt to stuff a pill down my cats throat? How I have 50 pairs of shoes but primarily wear Birkenstocks or clogs?
Confession #3: I fake it
I can usually connect with people but I still dread the get-to-know-each-other-phase. Maybe it’s because I’m not great at small talk. Or maybe it’s because I feel like wall flower in large crowds. When in doubt I revert to silence (see confession #1 ) or I fake it.
Like the time I started a new job and my first day was a company team-building event. Scariest work day ever. I was surrounded by a hundred new faces all wondering “who is the new girl” and I knew I had one shot to make an impression.
So I faked it. I summed up the courage to proactively introduce myself, crack jokes, and participate in the event. To this day my manager (now friend), doesn’t believe that (a) I faked it (b) I was terrified (c) I’m an introvert.
Confession #4: I prefer to be alone
I love to be around people — especially that fantastic group of people known as my family and that other group of fun people known as my friends. But I have a strong, natural desire to be alone. I need quiet time to relax, regroup, and rejuvenate.
This is a common trait of introverts as described in True Facts About the Introvert
“Contrary to popular belief, introverts do enjoy social interaction. They simply require less of it than their more boisterous extroverted cousin. As such the introvert seeks out the company of a few select people, also dogs and cats”
That explains A LOT.
So which is it? Introvert? Extrovert?
I’m still a little baffled about which camp I belong to so I’ll make up a new word: IntroExtroVertedness.
In.tro.ex.tro.vert.ed.ness
Noun. Adjective. Verb. (with made up words we have the luxury of using them in really interesting ways)
1. The state of mind of an outgoing, friendly person who wants to get past the newlywed phase of relationships quickly; Enjoys days of solitude.
Use it in a sentence: Her IntroExtroVertedness really shines through in this blog.
Final Confession: I love to blog
Blogging is great. I can write when I feel extroverted, about how I feel introverted, when I am all alone. I can read my words carefully to make sure I don’t violate anything mentioned in Confession #2. I can share without subjecting myself to immediate reaction. And I thrive when people make comments.
Who has “IT”? What exactly is “IT”? And why do I want IT so badly?
Is IT like grace – you have it or you don’t?
What are the undefinable but recognizable characteristics that make up the “IT factor”? IT here is defined as executive presence, not the people you call when your computer isn’t working (ahem, Rachel!)
Today I celebrate my 13th year at Cisco. In my religion 13 years is a milestone that leads to a Bat Mitzvah, reflection, and celebration. While I am clearly not an active religious participant (to the dismay of many family members), I do love a chance to reflect and celebrate.
So what have I learned?
How to market products and solutions. How to market to specific audiences. And most importantly, how to market myself. As a naturally shy person and somewhat of an introvert, the last one took quite a bit of getting out of my own way to accomplish.
Harmony is possible but I have to work really, really hard to maintain it. It’s kind of like walking the balance beam when you are completely uncoordinated. There are a lot of bruises to recover from with potential for long-term emotional scars.
I’ve accomplished a lot in 13 years. Despite a few career lulls, I am exactly where I imagined myself in 2013 (not that I had a long term plan or anything).
Going back to bullet two, it’s clearly possible to achieve personal goals even at an intensely demanding (but rewarding) company. In my 13 years at Cisco I have accomplished quite a few personal goals: got married (no small feat as we learned in my Get What You Want NOW blog), launched two babies, earned my black belt and life coaching certification, became a blogger, and got published (there’s still time to help me get published again. Vote for Discovered in a Skein of Yarn!)
An important part of being happy at work is working with people you like. Who you work with, and for, counts. A lot. I try to be someone that others enjoy working with, and for (that last part is possible because I finally achieved my long term career aspiration of becoming a people manager. I am spoiled with the most incredible team ever!)
Apparently I have some guiding principles I feel strongly about. They are: be present, be authentic, be candid, be a deliberate creator, have positive expectation. I’m still working on the “be present” part.
My passion is to help people discover their own passion and connect to work that is fulfilling and meaningful. I can do this every day in my current job. Score!
Give people a chance even when they don’t have every skill needed to do a job. That’s how I am celebrating 13 years – because Phylis hired me despite my total lack of experience. Thanks, Phyl for taking a chance on me – and happy anniversary to you, too!
The appropriate thing to say when someone gets Bat Mitvahed at age 13 is mazel tov. Even better if you’ll share a virtual glass of wine or champagne with me.
The kitchen is the heartbeat of our household. Depending on who is cooking it’s where magic or disaster happens.
The Chaotic Kitchen: Managed by woman-who-never-learned-to-properly-cook (Me)
Step 1. Open the refrigerator at least 5 times hoping dinner will miraculously appear. This is the first sign of trouble: fully cooked meals are more likely to be found on the stove top or in the oven.
Step 2. Accept responsibility to cook dinner. Sigh…
Step 3. Find something simple to cook. Wish again that dinner will somehow appear without me dicing, slicing, or sautéing. Ask myself if I can afford a personal chef (the answer is no).
Step 4. Prep food. Find solutions for seemingly simple dilemmas like “can I substitute garlic and onion if the recipe calls for shallots?”. Seems risky. Opt to leave them out (and let’s not talk about the time I couldn’t remember the difference between scallions and chives.)
Step 5. Cook. If you can call it that.
Step 6. Yell at kids for being too close to knives and hot objects. Feel good it took this long to scold them.
Step 7. Smoke alarm goes off. What’s on fire? Dinner. Dinner is on fire. Must decide: save dinner or run around like a crazy person opening all windows and doors.
When I tell people I work at home I get a variety of responses like:
[sneering] “Work, huh? What do you do exactly?”
[wide eyed] “How do you get anything done? I’d be so distracted”
[glaring] “I wish I could do that!”
Admittedly I work in casual clothes (sometimes they even match!), take “laundry” breaks instead of coffee breaks, and sometimes have a 4-legged-feline attend conference calls with me. Despite these out-of-the-ordinary attributes of my workday and working environment, I am 25% more productive when I work from home.
How can a person whose attention is quickly diverted succeed in such distracting environment? Here are 8 ways that working at home makes me so much more productive.
# 1: Commute to work in 30 seconds
It’s a misconception that working at home means no traffic. I have to navigate 4-legged moving targets and daily temper tantrums to make it to my desk. Despite these obstacles, the commute from my bedroom to my office is usually 30 seconds. It takes up to 2 minutes on a heavy traffic day.
Therefore, getting to my desk faster = more hours at my desk = increased productivity.
# 2: Wear yoga pants
Approximately 2 years ago I finally admitted that I no longer possess any personal style. After years of sporting yoga pants paired with a plain black shirt, complete with purple Birkenstocks, I had to accept that working at home resulted in a more casual attitude towards fashion – but this attitude did not apply to my work.
Being comfortable makes me cheerful. Being cheerful makes me more creative. Being more creative makes me more open to ideas. Being open to ideas makes me a better problem solver. Being a better problem solver helps increase productivity.
No parent is perfect… I think the same logic applies to leaders but is especially applicable to managers. Front-line and middle managers often act as parents – setting boundaries and expectations, pushing employees past their limits, creating learning opportunities, listening to complaints, resolving conflicts, and creating a fun environment.
When I became a manager I asked myself “what kind of manager do I want to be?” which led me to reflect on manager’s I’ve worked for, and with. When I take the best traits of every manager I’ve ever had — or admired — I get a composite of a pretty stellar role model. A person I’d like to model my own management style after.
What characteristics do managers-I’d-follow-around-the-world have in common?
I am Jill, employee 24925.
#1: Treat me as an individual.
Good managers treat me like Jill, not employee 24925. At a company with 65,000 people it’s easy to take a cookie cutter approach to managing a team – especially a large team. But like my 3 and 5 year daughters, I want rewards, recognition, and discipline (in the workplace we call this constructive criticism) to be specific to me.
Bueller, Bueller?
#2: Teach me something.
Whether intended or not, the best managers impart wisdom that can be applied to future jobs. Phylis taught me to always present solutions alongside my challenges (ahem, loud complaints). If I didn’t have a solution after my rant she would ask me to come back when I had some ideas on how to solve my problem.
Before I know it – without a conscious thought – “it” transforms from an innocent concern into a life-changing catastrophe. It changes from a passing thought to an unstoppable force that morphs into a dramatic even. An event that only happens in my mind, with little (if any) basis in reality. It becomes a never ending cycle of negativity that builds upon itself, mutates, and then buries me.
Before I know it I’ve turned a small ripple of discontent in my life into a tsunami that washes away everything else in my head and replaces it with fragments of debilitating thought debris. I latch onto this negative thought and start retelling my story with the worst possible outcome. I instantly find proof of my thoughts; examples that make me think this must be fact and the last chapter has already been written.
I work for a large company that restructures itself whenever it’s necessary to catch a shift in the market, be more agile and productive, or gain competitive advantage. It feels like we reorganize every few months but in reality it’s every few years.
Early on in my career an upcoming reorganization would trigger this thought pattern: this is happening again? I am probably getting yet another new manager. I have to start all over again and prove myself. My job will probably change. I bet it won’t be as challenging, rewarding, and fun as my current role. How am I supposed to grow my career when my role, responsibilities, chain of command, and everything else changes every 6-12 months? And oh.my.goodness…what if I get LAID OFF?
Then I have a choice. I can perpetuate the cycle or stop it in its tracks.
I grew up in a do-not-touch house. It had a museum feel to it. It was the kind of house that was always immaculate – even minutes after a huge party ended. Josh thought an impulsive need to keep the house spotless must be a genetic trait and was surprised to find out that I am a slob.
Let me repeat that: I am a slob. Not the dirty kind whose home you are afraid might have things living in it besides the immediate family. I’m the breed that can’t be bothered with keeping every little thing in its place. In fact, few things in my house actually have a designated space which admittedly makes it hard to find things. For example I recently wanted to tape something to the wall and could not find my scotch tape. Would you believe this is where it was:
It was here for at least 4 days before I found it.
I used to have clean house envy. I’d walk into another person’s home and quickly note how much neater, cleaner, shinier, and better organized it was. I’d wistfully wonder if I’d ever become an adult and do things like have fresh flowers in every room like Becky, learn how to fold sheets so they stack neatly in the linen closet like Erica, and keep all my kids toys in organized, labeled bins like Rachel. I’d imagine the time when overnight visitors would be welcomed with petite soaps in the bathroom and chocolate on each pillow like Kiersten does.
Love the Moment 